8 things I never thought I’d hear myself say when I became a mum!

by Sarah Barber
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Before you become a parent, you’re filled with this sick kind of optimism, but nowadays I like to call it blind and plainly idiotic naivety. You have this perfect idea of motherhood and everything it entails. You have all of these admirable morals and strict rules that you absolutely will stick to, such as no TV or no swearing or whatever else. But try as you might, parenting will break you. You won’t be the mum you set out to be, no matter how hard you try. AND THAT IS OKAY!

So, in celebration of how awesome being a mum is, here are my top 8 things that I never thought I’d hear myself say when I became a mum.

I apologise in advance…

“Why have you done a poo on the floor, RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR POTTY?”


Oh potty training. It’s a delight, it really is…

“Stop eating your bogeys”
 
Yep. Accompanied by my cringing after she does exactly that and says “mmmmm” and licks her lips while she does it. Pure, grotesque cringe.

“No thanks, I want to wipe my own bum actually!”
 
Now that potty training has started, that apparently means that my toilet business is her business. I am congratulated with a well done and clapping hands, and forced to show her what I’ve done. She then extends the tissue to me, and it takes one hell of a lot of force to get it off her so I can wipe my own arse.

“It’s “clock”, not “cock”!”
 
This is the newest one. I don’t even care about this really, I think it’s bloody hilarious!

“Why have you got highlighter on your face?”
 
 
 
Months later, I’m still angry about this… I can’t remember what we were doing… I think she got out of bed after a nap one morning super quietly, found a bright pink highlighter and drew on herself, the wall, the bed, EVERYTHING.

“Stop trying to climb back up into my womb!”
 
That’s not normal right? I swear she’s trying to get back in there some days the way she’ll crawl underneath me and then stand up right under my crotch!

“Don’t worry, she’s not saying “fucking hell”, she’s saying “sparkly hair”…”
 
Yep that’s another one of those hilarious things that sound like swear words but really aren’t… Promise!

“Really? You want Siri to beatbox AGAIN?!”

I hate Siri. Being a parent is a good enough reason to ban iPhones. Or any kind of thing that talks back to you. I am never getting an Alexa.

 

See? Either my daughter is super gross and crazy, or everyone has things like this… I REAAAALLLY hope it’s not just me. Either way, being a mum  is amazing, with or without these hilarious moments that come with the role.

I would love to know what your “I never thought I’d say that” moments are, too! Let us know in the comments or on Facebook 🙂

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Sarah Barber

I am well on my way to becoming a barrister, and hope that one day my little munchkin will follow in my footsteps! I'm also a wife to a Grenadier Guard dealing with army life, and I write letters to Olivia as well as writing for the amazing blog we run over at www.mummykind.com

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