The Newborn (aka the CryBaby)
- At first, they sleep for like 14 hours a day. It’s bliss.
- You can do things you want to do – housework, sleep, eat, sleep, you get my drift…
- You can go to the toilet without a small person attached to you (unless you’re breastfeeding – I have indeed breastfed my baby whilst having a pee).
- BOUNCY CHAIRS – NEED I SAY MORE?
- Milk solves everything.
- Everyone still wants to help out and hold the cute little baby.
- They’re very boring and are terrible company. You’ll be chatting away and nobody is chatting back.
- You’ll try not to, and you’ll hate yourself for breaking, but YOU WILL USE BABY TALK. ALL THE TIME.
- They do really bad shits. Seriously bad. First it’s all sticky tar, then it looks like chicken korma. It’s just really unpleasant.
- They are so dependent on you for everything!!!!!!!! They cry, and you have to answer. What’s that all about? I’m an independent woman, my daughter should be too.
- THEY CRY ALL THE TIME AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON IN THEIR TINY BABY BRAIN TO MAKE THEM WAIL LIKE A BANSHEE AT 2AM.
The Toddler (aka the Terrorist)
- They have their own little personality.
- They can walk and talk and ask for things, making your job of having to guess what the baby wanted so much easier.
- You can have fun with them.
- They can play independently.
- They can go to the toilet by themselves. No more poo for you, mama!
- Sometimes, their personality is that they’re a little shit.
- Even though they can ask for things, they won’t, they’ll whine at you instead.
- They can play independently, usually at risk of criminal damage to your walls, doors, and anything else which can be drawn on.
- They can go to the toilet themselves, but they’d much rather piss their pants and let you clear it up.
- They’ll always say dad is the favourite. Fucking traitors.