Why I refuse to be ashamed about my miscarriage
Unfortunately, my husband and I experienced a miscarriage in May. If you’re close friends or family, this will probably not be news to you, but if you’re not, there you go.
When it first happened I felt totally lost. We told only the essential people, and spent lots of time giving our 18 month old daughter lots of extra cuddles and attention. However, when the time came that I felt I wanted to tell a few more people what had been happening in our lives, I was amazed by the amount of women who said ‘I’ve had one too’.
The one statement that I heard more than anything else was ‘it’s not something you just talk about’. Why is that? I was met with a few different responses
I was only 6/7/8 weeks. Not far enough to be too upset.
While I understand that the pain felt due to an early loss would be different to stillbirth, that’s not to say that experiencing pregnancy loss doesn’t hurt. At the end of the day, a life is still a life. From the moment a woman discovers she is pregnant, she starts to form an emotional connection with her baby. She has plans and dreams for them. It’s painful to lose that, and be totally out of control.
2. I don’t want to burden people with my problems.
I want to start by saying that pregnancy loss can be absolutely devastating. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by some incredible people during our difficult time, and anyone who knows me knows that I do not mince my words and I tell it how it is. I do this because I want my daughter to grow up and know that her feelings are VALID, she’s not a burden, and that she deserves to be listened to.
BUT I do understand that not everybody feels comfortable to do that.
However, telling people about your miscarriage or asking others for help does not make you a burden. It makes you BRAVE. The people that love you are happy to help, and it doesn’t make you any less of a person to need help with something that, at the end of the day, is a big deal. Telling people about your miscarriage helps dispel the idea that there’s something wrong with discussing it. It helps you feel less isolated and alone, and it helps reality set in.
My body was designed for one thing, and it failed.
Yes, your body was designed to reproduce, it’s true. But you know what it was also designed for? To run, climb, laugh, love, eat, sleep, play, sing – the list goes on. Yes, you are created to reproduce, but you’re also designed for SO much more. While it’s difficult, don’t reduce yourself to that one function.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. It’s a scarily high figure, but it means you’re likely not alone. 1 in 4 means for every three children you see, a woman somewhere is mourning for theirs.
So, I refuse to be ashamed about my miscarriage. I won’t keep quiet about it or pretend it never happened. Instead, I choose to see it like this: my baby was never cold, or hungry, or scared. There was never a time in their short little life that they were not loved, and cared for and wanted. They will never have to know how it feels to be alone.
And that’s enough for me.
24 thoughts on “Why I refuse to be ashamed about my miscarriage”
Paige, first of all sending big hugs to you. I am a mummy to two living children and 4 angel babies so I totally understand your pain.
You have written this so well and everything you have said is true. Miscarriage is definitely something people don’t like to talk about which I just don’t understand. It shouldn’t be something we are embarrassed to talk about . I guess people just don’t know what to say to ladies ( or men) that have gone through it.
I was very fortunate to have some amazing friends and family around me but I really feel there needs to be more professional support out there
Thanks for reaching out Sarah! I definitely agree the best thing to do is to talk about it. I’m glad you had good people around you
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. But you are so brave to share your story. Hugs.
I so sorry you have experienced this. Losing a baby does hurt, no matter how far along you. Being excited for a baby and not getting one is painful. So you should not have to keep quiet about it because some people are unsure of how to react. That is important to remember you baby is loved and I wish you the best!
Thanks Crystal! x
Sending love your way. I’m so sorry to learn about your loss, but am so glad that you shared your story. I’m sure so many can relate and it’s good to be able to give and get support, especially during difficult times. Keep your head up!
Thank you! x
I am so sorry for your loss. I had 3 consecutive miscarriages before my boys were born and I can totally understand your pain.
Veronica that sounds so tough! Thanks for getting in touch
I’m there in that “I had one too” camp. I was 12 weeks and found out at my scan. It made me very nervous with all my subsequent pregnancies, but they were all fine. It is actually very common indeed. You never forget but you do move on and lean to put things in perspective. #KCACOLS.
Emma Me and B Make Tea
So sorry to read this. big hugs and well wishes for you and your husband. Miscarriage so needs to be spoken about more and more. we absolutely shouldn’t be ashamed.
Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time!
Madeline (This Glorious Life)
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s great that you’re writing about it and talking about it though, there must be so many women out there feeling alone after a miscarriage, and posts like this can help so much. x #KCACOLS
Thank you Madeline. I felt so alone when it first happened – I’d hate for others to feel the same way
Lydia C. Lee
I think the more people talk about it, the better to be honest. It is nothing to be ashamed of – and as for the’failure’ – if someone gets cancer we don’t think they failed. It’s just part of life and it happens. It’s tragic and difficult but it isn’t failure. So any conversation that removes that framework/mindset is good in my opionion. #KCACOLS
That’s such a good analogy – I might have to pinch that one!
A Rose Tinted World (@ARoseTintdWorld)
Huge hugs. I agree that it is something that needs to be talked about more. We tend to brush awkward things under the carpet and try to ignore them. It is absolutely not to be ashamed of. I am so sorry for your loss. #KCACOLS
Thank you. I definitely feel these things need to be part of every day conversation!
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I’m sorry to hear you had to experience this. You’re right this should be something we talk about more freely. It seems the very topics we need to be open about are the ones we only discuss online hidden behind our computer screens. #KCACOLS
I definitely agree! Thanks for reading
Sending hugs your way! No matter how early it is you can be as upset as you need to.
However I cannot talk about the “I’ve had one too” club 😞
I wish I’d had the courage to tell anyone but we were so wrapped up in our own little pregnancy secret that when it went away and our world fell apart we couldn’t find the words to tell anyone else! So we never did… now the supposed due date is fast approaching and my bad temper and foul mood needs justification to those on the outside…..
Can’t imagine what you must be feeling. Just remember your feelings are completely justified (even if others aren’t aware!)
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